The Lighter Side Of Plan4Power Members

DougTidwell · The Lighter Side Of Plan4Power Members

.
We have a post going in the TBG, Team Builders Group,
that was a place for members to post humorous or
interesting facts they find or have.

Please post here as a REPLY to this thread.

Lets have some fun with it and enjoy some laughs.

Laughter is the best medicine, and I believe it.

I love to laugh.

Have Fun.

Doug Tidwell
.

cathyromine

Hey Doug,

Glad we have this in this section also for everyone
to read and hopefully enjoy...They say laughing extends
your life by 8 years.

Here you go:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother

billhinkle · True Story

Got one for ya. Trouble is it is a true story.
Made me laugh but rather ended a friendship.

I was dating this lady for about a year and she started
hinting that maybe we should think about marriage.
Whewwww.. now what do I do ??

It came to me in an instant.

I said that was a good idea.
I then asked her if she knew anyone who would want us..LOL

Wasn't long and that friendship went south..LOL

That's my funny for today. Good idea Doug.
Laughter is also the way to true love which also adds years.

Thanks Doug,

Bill Hinkle

DougTidwell · Re: True Story

cathyromine

For those who have seen my squidoo, website
and myspace you will understand this...

I just had a message on myspace.

It asked,

"Are you Ron Paul's Wife" lol...
I read it to Johnny and he said to
reply and say "how did you know" lol

Poor guy!

cathyromine · You Know Your A Redneck When by Walking Eagle

This had to be here

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
_________________
http://www.plan4power.org/?walkingeagle37

cathyromine · Another From Walking Eagle "

THAT'S ITALIAN!!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her female cycles
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,
the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The
girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living
room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning,
your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of
my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If
a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank
account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if
there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You try again."
_________________
http://www.plan4power.org/?walkingeagle37

Leon

Leon

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you
stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

cathyromine

Mail that to me Leon if I can copy and
paste, I want to show it on myspace, lol

Leon

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Leon

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

Leon

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,

"For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

Leon

You might find out some interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) don't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

23.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

cathyromine

Cute, lol

I can copy, copy to mail, copy
to pic in save, guess can't just get
it in the door at myspace, Oh well...
it was a good one...

Leon

Can you just assign the <img> </img> code into a post?

I'll send you the link to the picture.

DougTidwell · Great Leon

It is 2:45 am and I am cracking up laughing.

Good stuff Leon and Cathy, thanks.

Doug

walkingeagle37

Hokay Leon, I'm back. You can take a short break.

An elderly man had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

walkingeagle37

Pedro

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history: "Who
said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she
demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? S__k this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little F*%!%r!!. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh hell, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Lucinda · Las Vegas Churches.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES IN VEGAS THAN THERE ARE CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO CASH IN THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS WORK IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

Lucinda

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Lucinda · I am from Kentucky so....

> >THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
> >
> > After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
>they
> > could not afford a larger bed.
> >
> > So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
> > cousin didn't want to have any more children.
> >
> > The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
> > could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
> > alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
> > (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
>hold
> > the can up to your ear and count to 10."
> >
> > The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
> > shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
> > ear is going to help me."
> >
> > "Trust me," said the doctor.
> >
> > So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
> >
> > He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
> >
> > "1"
> >
> > "2"
> >
> > "3"
> >
> > "4"
> >
> > "5"
>
>
> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
> > continued counting on his other hand.
> >
> > This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana,
> > Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

cathyromine

"Hey! I'm From Alabama"!!!!!!!!!!

You think it'll work for Johnny?

Lucinda

HAHAHHAHAHAHA Maybe Cathy. Not sure if he'd wanna try though.

cathyromine

I read it to Johnny, he said that's
Tennesse! He didn't laugh like I did, lol
I'm going to put on myspace, lol

Hey Cindy, Congratulations on your newest
member to your team! "Way To Go"!

cathyromine

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

cathyromine

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

Lucinda

Thanks Cathy.
Poor guy from the balcony. Hillarious!

cathyromine

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

cathyromine

kitty and Lady Find Love

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.

''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.

''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.

''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.

''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''

cathyromine · The Juicy Squirt

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Lucinda

Ok Cathy, Your killing me here!!!

cathyromine

Ok, After this I got to get back to Work!lol
This is rated ?________ you be the judge.
Momma Debra and Elaine are going to come in here and
kick me off the forum

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

walkingeagle37

Better watch out Cathy, or I'll start cutting loose
with some of the ones I've been holding back.

walkingeagle37

A young son asked, "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
And Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

walkingeagle37

The Mother Superior called the nuns together for an announcement.

"Sisters", she said, "we have a case of gonorrhea here at the convent".

"Thank God!", replied the oldest nun. "I'm getting sick of the chardonnay".

walkingeagle37

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quyale were all born. This is what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

walkingeagle37

This blonde is on a long-distance flight, and finds herself sitting next to a lawyer, who's very talkative. But the blonde just wants to sleep.

Eventually, to get her interest, the lawyer says: "I'll tell you what, let's play a game. You ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $500. Then I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer, you give me $5. Deal?"

The blonde sighs, and says OK. "Ask me a question," says the lawyer.

"OK," says the blonde. "What goes up the mountain in the morning with three legs, and comes down the mountain in the evening with four legs?"

The lawyer's never heard this one. He's heard similar ones, but not this one. He gets his laptop, logs on, searches online for hours, no joy. He telephones all his colleagues via the jet's telephone, no joy. He spends the whole night trying to find an answer. Eventually, he gives up, and over breakfast, hands the blonde $500 dollars, and says -- "I give up. What goes up the mountain in the morning with three legs, and comes down the mountain in the evening with four legs?"

The blonde sighs, reaches in her bag, and gives the lawyer $5. Then she goes back to sleep.

walkingeagle37

This one I've saved for our friends from "Down Under."

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont,decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

spyhard

You guys are killing me!!

cathyromine

Ok, I have to do this one. But this is as bad as it gets for me

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch p@n$i!."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

walkingeagle37

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

cathyromine

I've heard that one somewhere, lol...It's good
though, sounds like that relationship is over huh?

Well I've reached being able to load 30,000 leads
into my autoresponder for the rest of the month so
guess I'm going to have time to find some "Clean
Jokes" lol

Night Folks, Have A Great Weekend. Happy Birthday
again to Bill Hinkle and Doug

walkingeagle37

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day....

cathyromine

lol, I liked that one Walking Eagle

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

walkingeagle37

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

walkingeagle37

7. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

I left the 7. on just to let you know, I have more,
just as silly.

walkingeagle37

8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

If it takes a while, think of Mary Poppins.

cathyromine

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that da_n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

DougTidwell · 8. & Mary

8. 7 Mary

R O F L

If I wasn't laughing so hard I would write something.

walkingeagle37

The answering machine at the psychiatrist's rooms which goes:

"You are through to the psychiatric clinic. If you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, please press one repeatedly. If you suffer from multiple personality disorder, press two, three and four. If you are psychotic, please press whichever button the voices in your head tell you. If you are depressed, it really doesn't matter which button you press, no one can help losers like you anyway.

"And if you're paranoid, please hang up now. We know who and where you are, and we're coming to get you."

walkingeagle37

walkingeagle37

Little Sally walks up to her dad as he's reading the paper.

"Dad," Sally says, "where does poo come from?"

Dad looks a bit embarrassed, wondering, where the hell did this come from?

"Er," dad says, "Well, you know what we ate for breakfast? Well, after you swallow it, it goes down into your tummy and after a while, when you sit on the toilet, it comes out as poo."

Sally looks puzzled for a minute. She stares at dad, about to cry and asks:

wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"And Tigger?"

walkingeagle37

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd neve r preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

cathyromine

walkingeagle37

One day, Jesus, Moses and an older gentleman were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center. Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.

Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like its going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses's ball.

The older man is up next. He walks to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding plop. In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as its sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole. Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims "That's it! I'm NEVER playing golf with your dad again!"

cathyromine

Any Engineers In The House, lol (sorry)

What does an engineer use for birth control?

Answer: Their Personality

The Engineer and the Bike:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

cathyromine

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

walkingeagle37

That makes me so mad,

I never got paid for doing
cartwheels...

Leon

I would have chosen the bike too!

Girls clothes never did anything for me either.

Leon

Girl on a first date...

Mother: Dear when you go out with this young man he will
probably take you to a place to eat and then to a movie. After that you
will probably ride around on the city streets and then some on the county
roads and finally wind up where there are no roads at all. He'll park in
the dark and turn the lights off and motion for you to come over next to
him.

If you move over to him, that is when I will be worried about you.

Girl: Okay, Mom, you don't have anything to worry about.

Sure enough the date went off much like the girl's mother had said. They
went to eat, took in a movie and then started riding around town. First on
the city streets and then on the county roads. Finally they wound up in a
place where there were no roads at all! The boy parked, turned the
engine and headlights off and then... motioned for her to move over next
to him.

The girl looked over at the boy and said, "Oh NO! ...

YOU come over here and let your momma worry about YOU!"

Leon

Cna yuo raed tihs?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh?

Yaeh, and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

cathyromine

I read every word Leon, You
write so well, whats your secret? lol

walkingeagle37

Congatulations Loan,

You just learned the secret of "Speed Reading".

walkingeagle37

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost t never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

walkingeagle37

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing
In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

cathyromine

Really Good Walking Eagle, I enjoyed those...

cwilbiz · HOW FUNNY

How funny,
First time I have been to this site. Since I am already 70 and laughing my heart out at these- I should live to be 100- keep um coming- these are classics.

make it a good day
Clovis

walkingeagle37 · Re: HOW FUNNY

cathyromine

Welcome to The Lighter Side Of Plan4Power Clovis,
Yes, It helps keep Me laughing Daily..

stevevale

Ben Franklin once said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So, remember: Water = Poo, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information -
I'm doing it as a public service.

cathyromine

Hick Up! lol

cathyromine

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.

spyhard

You guys are killing me!!

cathyromine

We are waiting on your's Jeff, sure
Annette can come up with some too

all-u-need · Fore!

A guy gets married and on his wedding night figures he should get what has been burdening him off his chest. He tells his new bride, "I know I should have told you earlier, but I am an avid golfer. We won't be spending a lot of time together because I will always be on the course."

She blinked a couple of times, swallowed and said, "Well, dear, since we are confessing, you should know I'm a hooker."

Without missing a beat he replied, "Don't worry about it. We'll open your stance and weaken your grip. Before long you'll be hitting 'em perfectly straight."

walkingeagle37

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

walkingeagle37

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year
old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

cathyromine

Now That's Nasty!

cathyromine

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

cathyromine

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b___h to death with the chair!"

cathyromine

Blonde Nurse

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

In case she had to draw some blood.

cathyromine

Farm Fugitives:

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

cathyromine

Little Johnny's Mom's Vital Signs -

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

cathyromine

Hey, It's Late, I can't help myself, lol

Smoke Rings -

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.

stevevale

Exercise for people over 50......

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

sstack2

Real News Reports:

In August, employees at the bar, Changes, in Seattle, had to break up a karaoke
night attack by a woman on a man who was singing the Coldplay song "Yellow."
The woman had shouted, "Oh, no, not that song. I can't stand that song." She
charged the stage, screamed at the man and shoved him (and it eventually took
four men to hold her for police). [Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 8-9-07]

Megan Conroy, 18, pleaded guilty in Brisbane, Australia, in September, to
assaulting a 40-year-old man in May (by kicking him in the testicles) because
he had mispronounced her first name. (And if you ever meet her,
it's "mee-gan," not "may-gun.") [The Age (Melbourne), 9-6-07]

walkingeagle37

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

walkingeagle37

Subject: FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then man came out with tears in his
eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is
loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

walkingeagle37

Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass
was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a
very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more
important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,

"I think it's Jesus,

because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

walkingeagle37

Sorry, sometimes I get on a roll and my
brakes don't work too well.

Keep on rolling!!

walkingeagle37

O' Canada.....

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from
Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the
world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies,
"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer
under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob!
Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." Answers Bob.

"Oh!" Exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #4

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades;
the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

CANADIAN JOKE #5

In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six
months of poor snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #7

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" Asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" Yelled the Quebecer.

CANADIAN JOKE #8

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room,
but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he
stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.

St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to
die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" Said the one of the doctors,
"But what happened to the other two???

Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling
over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay
his."

BONUS

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring
ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well" said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or
maybe could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to
talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my
daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa
about that", he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull
and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets
fer Howard."

Gus · Yogi

OK, we've probably heard most of these, but they were
sent to me today. They're still just as funny now as
they've ever been. Ladies and Gentlemen, Yogi Berra!!

# This is like deja vu all over again."

# "You can observe a lot just by watching."

# "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

# "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

# "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

# "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

# "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

# "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

# "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

# "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

# "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

# "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

# "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

# "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

# "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

# "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

# "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

# "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

# Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

# "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

# "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

# "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

# "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

# "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

# "I made a wrong mistake."

# "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

# "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

# "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

# "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

# "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

# "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

# "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

# "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

# "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

# "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

# "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

# "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

# "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

# "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

# "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

# "I didn't really say everything I said."

walkingeagle37

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,
and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't
gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My
wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,
"That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third
time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said,
"That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

cathyromine

I can't take the credit for this one I saw it on myspace
from Ted (he thinks I call him This Guy, lol)
I couldn't help myself, I was curious, lol
You better be Ready For This One!

BEST WEBSITE EVER
I normally don't pass on any porn which I have
accidentally received ...
however, I feel that you're old enough and mature
Enough to handle this.

http://drunkfriends.com/quickies/freesex.html

Lucinda · hahaha

You know I think this is my favorite part of the forum now.

I have been sitting here reading this stuff and laughing so hard that my stomach now hurts.

Almost too funny

walkingeagle37 · Re: hahaha

Lucinda · yea

That was too funny. I am waiting for hubs to get home this eve. to pull that one on him.

walkingeagle37 · Re: yea

walkingeagle37

I'm widowed, but I thought the girls would like this.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back,

" University of Oklahoma "

And they say blondes are dumb...

The Lighter Side Of Plan4Power Members

True Story

Re: True Story

You Know Your A Redneck When by Walking Eagle

Another From Walking Eagle "

Great Leon

Las Vegas Churches.

I am from Kentucky so....

The Juicy Squirt

8. & Mary

HOW FUNNY

Re: HOW FUNNY

Fore!

Yogi

hahaha

Re: hahaha

yea

Re: yea